Shmoah

It came to be, in the years before the Coming of Seajus, and before the Coming of the Television, and even before the Coming of the Toaster Oven, that sin and debauchery overran the land. And Saint Ignum did say "Woo Hoo!!!! ^__^" as Japanese Schoolgirls Without Panties ran by, giggling like Japanese Schoolgirls Without Panties.

Cod looked down on the world, and did say "Dammit, they're getting more sex than I am! That's just not right!"

And Cod descended unto the world, and commanded everyone to cease having sex immediately.

And, of course, no one listened. So Cod cast upon the peoples a terrible curse. Cod cursed the man that their sperm taste foul and disgusting, and burn at the touch, and the women that they be too tight and bleed when they were taken.

And so while the people suffered and had no sex, Cod went back to sexing up all this shefish and making little Cods in the sky.

Decades past, and still no sex was going on, and the people were dying. Finally, an old man named Shmoah decided that Cod must have forgotten the people in his mad, passionate, fish love making. So Shmoah decided that there needed to be a way to contact Cod and let him know of the situation down here on Earth.

And so Shmoah started building an Ark. He wasn't quite sure what an Ark was though, so he started by taking a few boards and nailing them together. Then he added a bit of mauve paint, with a few flags here and there. Then the idea came to him to make it really big. So he started nailing more and more pieces to it at random. And he said, "I shall make this 50 cubits by 30 cubits by 20 cubits, but fuck if I know what a cubit is."

And so Shmoah kept hammering and nailing pieces of wood together, and when he ran out of pieces of wood, he nailed them to logs. And when he ran out of nails, he bound them together with twine. And he added bricks, and mortars, and ferris wheels, and roller coasters, and called it ArkLand. By then though, there weren't any kids to play on the rides, so mostly it went unused, except for some weird old guy who sat on one of the benches and threw crumbs on the ground for the bird. This guy was creepy though. He had that look about him, like he was watching all the girls in skirts bend over, or the ones in a low-cut shirt get a drink. He freaked Shmoah right out, so Shmoah kicked him out of ArkLand.

And about this point in time, Cod looked up from his passionate fish-making, and exclaimed quite loudly...

"What in the name of ME is that?"

And Shmoah said, "It's an Ark. I built it so I'd get your attention. People are dying! We need babies!"

"Oh," said Cod. "Well, then I guess I better lift those curses."

And Cod lifted the curses, and men's sperm no longer burned, and women no longer bled every time they had sex.

And Cod created the rainbow, as a sign that he would never again interfere with people having sex ever again. And everything was good.

.... and Shmoah and the creepy man ended up getting married.

-- End --

Guest appearance in this strip by "Saint Ignum" done without asking permission. But I know he'll like it anyways.