Matthew
Chapter 1
1. A record of the genealogy of Seajus Crisco, the Son of Cod:
2. Abrabacon was the father of Yousaac,
Yousaac the father of Yakub,
Yakub the father of Judy the hermaphrodite and his/her brother/sisters,
3. Judy the father/mother or Pez and Lifesaver, whose mother was Tamer (tamer than what, we aren’t sure of),
Pez the father of Rez,
Rez the father of Ram,
4. Ram the father of F-150,
F-150 the illegitimate father of Amminadab,
Amminadab the father of Osama I,
Osama the father of your momma (oooo burn),
Your momma the father of Salmon (where Seajus got his good looks from),
5. Salmon the father of Prozac, whose mother was Tamer (and by this time too old to be anything but tame),
Prozac the father of Obed, whose mother was Ruth (theologians predict that after bearing a child at 230 years of age, Tamer finally died),
Obed the father of Obaby,
6. Obaby the father of the missionary position and of King Davy.
Davy was the father of Solemn whose mother had been Uriah’s wife,
7. Solemn the father of Bennygay,
Bennygay who was gay and therefore had to adopt Abijah, who he renamed Coolio,
Coolio the father of Ae,
8. Ae the father of Aei,
Aei the father of Aeio,
Aeio the father of Jehoshaskinny,
9. Jehoshaskinny father of Mr. Fats,
Mr. Fats the father of Runs in the Rain,
Runs in the Rain father of Hezekiah,
10. Hezekiah the father of Mannynasseh,
Mannynasseh the father of Aman,
Aman the father of Awoman (who was not, in fact a woman),
11. And Awoman the father of Jekel and his brother Hyde at the time of the exile to Babble-on.
12. After the exile to Babble-on:
Jekel was the father of Jekel Junior (JJ to his friends)
JJ the father of Bibblebabble,
13. Bibblebabble the father of Reallylongname,
Reallylongname the father of Thatchewishguy,
Thatchewishguy the father of Azor,
14. Azor the father of Aeiou (in honor of his beloved ancestors),
Aeiou the father of Aeiouandsometimesy,
Aeiouandsometimesy the father of Zadok,
15. Zadok the father of Eleazar,
Eleazar the father of Matthew (thought not the same Matthew as this books author. In fact, the parents of the author of this book, after reading this genealogy, decided to name their child after this Matthew, or at least that is how legend goes),
Matthew the father of Marklukeandjohn,
16. Marklukeandjohn the father of Joey, the husband of Amry, of who was born Seajus, who is called Crisco.
17. And thus there were 14 generations in all from Abrabacon to Davy, fourteen from Davy to the exile to Babble-on, and fourteen from the exile to the coming of the Crisco. Also, there were fourteen toes on Zadok and King Davy had sex with fourteen women who were married to someone else. Thus fourteen proves and important number. If you are fourteen years old, you should feel blessed by Seajus.
18. This is how the birth of Seajus Crisco came to be. His mother Amry had been betrothed to Joey, a young carpenter (or at least that was his cover for being in the Sicilian Mafia). It came to pass that Amry became pregnant by means best described as the Holey Ghost, since, at the time, Sex Ed was not yet being taught in schools. 19. And one night when Joey was really wasted, he had a vision, or delusion, and an angel told him that his fiancé would bear the great Son of the Al Mighty Cod. He was really excited, and thought for a while of selling the child to circus folk, but the delusion slapped him upside the head and told him not to. So he didn’t. You listen to such speaking floating delusions and the like when you are drunk.
20. Anyhow, there was a great miracle that occurred here the town of Methlebem, in a small pond, away in a shoal, our savior was born. And upon his birth, there took to light a star above the pond that could be seen above and below ground for miles. 21. All this took place to fulfill what was said through a prophet, 22. “The virgin *snicker* will be with child and will give birth to a son and they will call him Immanuel, as well as Fish Head and many other mean taunting names, but kids will be kids you know.”
23. So doing as the strange floating delusion had instructed, he name the child Seajus. And Cod said, “Awww, he has my gills.”
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