Matthew
Chapter 2
1. After Seajus was born in Methlebem, during the time of the great Heron, three wise cods swam into Jerrysalem seeking answers, 2. and asked, “Where is the one who has been born? We saw his star and have come to gawk at him.”
3. When Heron hear this he was greatly traumatized and all of Jerrysalem mimicked his trauma. 4. When he had assembled all his priests and fancy spancy, high foluttoned guys with long robes he asked where the Crisco was supposed to be born. 5. “Methlebem for a prophet once said ‘It will happen in Canadia.’ He was confused however, since that is the birth place of the Prophet.”
6. When the three wise cod found out about this, they headed onto Methlebem. There they found the Crisco. And unto him they bestowed three gifts: seaweed, pebbles, and bird repellent. 7. However, Amry realized that the seaweed had gone bad and had to return it. The people at customer service were terrible to her and so she prayed to Cod for vengeance on said customer service people. 8. And thus they were struck down. But we digress.
9. Anyhow, a night or two later, Joey was celebrating and got really drunk. Again he saw in the sky a great winged woman. He welcomed the delusion, since last time it had brought good news. And in fact, he even attempted to hit on it.
10. “How you doing you sexy thing,” he said to the delusion.
11. “Well I am all right,” the delusion said blushing.
12. “You come here often?” he asked, nudging up close to the floating image.
13. “Well, sometimes…wait! You are married,” she said.
14. “Oh baby,” Joey pleaded, “don’t let that ruin a good thing.”
15. “Well…I guess…hey wait,” she declared. “I have a job to do. You have to flee to the land of the Egyptians. Heron wants to kill your new son.”
16. “Well that sucks,” Joey realized.
17. Then he left. Unfortunately on the way home, he passed out and didn’t come to ‘till morning when he awoke to find himself stewing in a pool of his own urine and vomit. And so he got up and was very disgusted with himself. However, his terrible hangover prevented him from thinking of a valid solution to his problem. 18. So instead he just took off all his dirty clothes and continued his trek home. When he got home, Amry opened the door to find her fiancé completely naked. Her first suspicion of course was that he had been out cheating. 19. Furiously she plotted out revenge for his transgressions and fast formed a plot in her mind.
20. Cordially, she invited him in and had him sit in a chair. Secretly she concealed one of her kitchen knives in her hand. As soon as Joey turned away, she dove at him with the knife, lopping of one of his testicles. 21. They both peered down at the flesh wound, spurting blood into the air.
22. “What the heck was that for,” he asked, growing slightly perturbed.
23. “You cheated on me!” Amry screamed.
24. “I did not,” Joey protested.
25. “Oops, sorry,” she apologized, and put down the knife.
26. Promptly they patched up the wound, collected Seajus and fled to the land of the Egyptians. There they made there home for some time. In fact, Seajus began to grow and prosper. He was three in that time and was already reading and writing. His parents were so proud. All the little Egyptians kids beat him up though. They were jealous. They each wanted to be a Messiah, deep down inside. 27. On the outside though, they ridiculed him for his divine heritage. Nasty Egyptians. Anyhow, back at home, Heron had died after eating some bad oysters, and so Seajus was allowed to return to the land of the Chews. However, to avoid any conflict, 28. his parents moved him to Peachyketh, in the land of Galilee. This all happened to fulfill the prophecy saying, “And he will be called a Peachykeen.”
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