First Magick Lesson

In the Pagan/Wiccan "tradition" and several others, their members are encouraged to make use of spells and magicks to gain control over their enviroment (and to generate enough money to keep buying all those Cunningham and SilverWolf books). Well, I want you all to be able to afford to buy shirts, books, bumper stickers, posters and my used underwear, so I better teach you people the arcane and diabolical ways of invoking the powers of Cod.

Be warned: The sheer power contained in these rituals can be staggering for the first time practitioners, so I am only revealing the tamest rituals first. Don't want any of you to explode in a burst of Codly power as the magick overtakes your veins like a caffeine rush.

First Lesson: The Form of the Ritual

The form of a ritual is 5-parts: The Preperation, The Calling, The Empowering, The Releasing, and The Post-Magickal Mandatory Orgy.

The Preperation consists of finding the appropriate materials for the ritual and sanctifying them before use. If a specially prepared space is needed, this also includes preparing that space. If a specially prepared virgin girl is needed as an altar sacrifice, be sure to prepare her and make sure she's a virgin. Virginity is crucial when you're summoning demonic powers.

The Calling is devoted to invoking the Powers That Swim to be present for the ceremony. This time is especially crucial, because lacking the presence of an important power can result in disaster consequences [ed. Trojan War comes to mind]. Also a time to unplug your phone so you aren't subject to the calling of another. Note that the calling is not always bring the Powers to you, sometimes it involves you going to them [ed. Reverse Calling].

The Empowering is when you start channeling the powers into achieving your goal. Doctors do this all the time with defibulators, so it's perfectly natural. Just because people start looking at you funny when your hair stands on end and lightning crashes all around. This is not supernatural, this is perfectly natural.

The Releasing funnels the power you have brought into yourself out into the world to accomplish your goal. Like when you go the bathroom. What was in you is now part of the world once more. It also feels good to get it out of you.

The PMMO is a necessary part of every ritual. It flushes remaining power from your body in a terrific wave of release and cleansing. It can be done in virtually any position, either solitary or with others. If your current locality does not allow you to properly perform a PMMO, you may wish to use Grounding. In Grounding, you go to your room and stay there for the rest of the night without supper.

Now that you know how Codly Magickal rituals are constructed, I'll provide you with a simple ritual most anyone can do.

Your very first Magick Spell

Getting a Job

Preperation:

1. Get a piece of paper. Write out all the things you have ever done for someone else that took more than a couple hours to do. Get some people to write good things about you on other pieces of paper. Type up your pieces of paper and print it out to make it look good. This is a very common preperation step, so you can look it up online under the heading of "writing a resume"
2. Get a newspaper, open it to the Help Wanted section (for first timers, this is located in the Classified Ads section. Check the index). Scan through to find a job with words like "no experience required", "students accepted" or "entry level". Call the supplied numbers and ask if the position is available. Call as many as possible. Leave your contact information.
3. Take copies of your resume you wrote in part 1. Go around to grocery stores, restaurants and other retail outlets. Look for the Sign of the Elders (Help Wanted) and drop off a copy of your resume at each place. Don't just drop it off with anyone. Ask to see the manager.

Calling: Wait no more than a few days. If you have not been called yet, then repeat the preperation. Make sure you stay offline during buisness hours as much as possible if you are on a dial-up and you only have one phone line. When the calling comes, make sure you show up for the appointment. Dress as nicely as possible. Do not just agree to one appointment, agree to any and all that are offered.

Empowering: Answer the questions asked of you in a positive and assertive manner. Be confident. Feel the power of Cod flowing into you as you answer. CAN YOU FEEL THE POWER? Huh??!?!?!!

Releasing: Go home and breathe a sigh of relief. Wait for the callback that says you got the job. You can always say "I changed my mind" or "I got a different job" if you get more than one callback. Don't wait to know for sure whether or not you got the job before you go to the next appointment.

PMMO: Rejoice! Rejoice! Now work hard and get a raise. The more you work, the more powerful the resume will become, and the better jobs it will get you.