Revelation
Chapter 1
1. This is the revelation of Seajus Crisco, which Cod gave him to show his servants, the Codites, what must one day take place. He made it known by sending his minions…I mean angels…to his servant Sean, 2. who is known as the disciple whom he loved, and as Sean the revelator, and as Sean the magnificent among circus folk, also called Seany by his sisters, and he is Shaggy to his friends and Lemming to his enemies. 3. Blessed is the one who reads these words of this prophecy, or revelation (hence the title), and takes to heart, or stomach, what is written in it because they are cool.
4. Sean,
To the seven cults in Asia Minor, Asia Major, G minor, and Minor League Baseball:
Grace and peas (the whirled kind) to you from him who is, and who was, and who is to come, and from the seven spirits that stand before his throne (so no one can see Cod on the loo), 5. and from Seajus Crisco, who is the faithful witness/lap dog of the ruler of the kings of the earth.
To him who loves women and has freed us from our sins with his batter dipped goodness, 6. and has made us to be a cult and to serve Cod—unto him be glory and libido forever and ever! Amen.
7. Look, he is coming with the trout,
and every eye will see him,
and so shall every tongue taste him,
for this is how it was meant to be, across the earth
Amen
8. “I am the Alpha and Omega,” says the Lord Cod, “the Psi and the Kappa, I am…I am…aww heck! I am all those cool frat letters…except Pi. You know, math is the spawn of Stan. Ahh Stan…”
And so Cod droned of fot a bit and then he spake for some time and I did fall asleep. Then later, I awoke and continued writing. 9. I, Sean, your brother and companion and overlord…oops, didn’t mean that…was on the Isle of Patme because of the word of Cod and the testimony of Seajus. 10. On the Lord’s day I was in the spirits (yes spirits, not Spirit) and I heard behind me a loud voice like a trombone, or maybe a tuba, or a trumpet. Yes a trumpet…that is what it was. Right. Where was I? Oh yes. A loud voice like a trumpet 11. said, “Write on a scroll what you see and send it to the seven cults: to Turkey, Hungry, Horny, Sleepy, Bashful (also known as the cult of the Prophet), Sniffles, and Doped Up.”
12. I turned around to see the great brass section voice and cordially replied, “I don’t have a scroll, Lord.”
“Well then,” the voice pondered a moment. “Wait a minute! If you don’t have a scroll, how are you recording what I am saying right now?”
“A lap top of course,” I chuckled. “New age stuff that you wouldn’t understand, voice.”
“Hey now,” he groaned (a B flat). However he calmed down to his original C and said, “Fine then. However, you must promise to put it on a scroll later. You can use one of those scribe in a box do-hickeys.”
“A printer,” I informed.
And having settled that, I looked to see seven candles on the floor around me, 13. and among the candles was someone like a son of men. We have all imagined what it would be like if two guys could have kids. That one in four chance that it would have two X-chromosomes. We all wondered what that kid would look like. I think that was he. 14. His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire. 15. And his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace; and his voice as the sound of many waters. 16. In his right hand he held seven stars, and out of his mouth came a sharp double-edged sword. Then he charmed a snake, lay on a bed of needles, and made a carpet fly. His face was like the sun shining in all its brilliance.
17. When I saw him, I giggled a bit, but then fell in reverence. Then he placed a hand on me and said: “Do not be afraid. I am the first and the last. 18. Never have they before and they will never experiment with male on male babies ever again.”
19. “Write, therefore, what you have seen, but play me up a bit. This is what is now and what will take place 20. later. The mystery of the seven stars that you saw in my hand and of the seven candles is this: the seven stars are the winged guardians of the seven cults and the seven candles are the seven cults. Have a seat. You have letters to write to each.”
21. And so I sat, but instantly I rose again. My pants were all ablaze. It seemed I had sat upon one of the candles. Once I had extinguished myself, I looked over to the son of men who stood over the broken and extinguished candle.
“You killed them all,” he whined (no real note, just a flux between them). “All the poor people of the cult of Sniffles. That was my favorite branch of the cult of Cod, and now, thanks to you, they will be known forever more as the lost cult of Sniffles.”
He then sniffled.
“One down,” I said having a seat, “six to go.”
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