After enduring literally dozens of jokes about their wacked-out continent-country, the Commonwealth of Australia has finally made a bold political decision to slap their ecosystem into line. The recently formed Agency for the Control and Care of Weird Animals That Only Live in Australia believes they have the plan. However, many were shocked to discover that the ACCWATOLA plans to eliminate the Platypus from their list of 'Respectable Animals'.
It is widely held that the Platypus, a genetically confused, evolutionarily silly creature has long been a symbol for all that's wrong with Australian beasties. As some guy from the zoo said:
"The Platypus has a bill that resembles a duck's bill but is actually an elongated snout covered with soft, moist, leathery skin and sensitive nerve endings. The feet are webbed. The body and flattened tail are covered with a thick, soft, woolly layer of fur, from which long, flat hairs protrude. The platypus has three layers of fur: 1. an inside layer to trap air and keep the animal warm 2. a middle layer which works like a wet suit 3. an outer layer to feel if it is close to objects."
"The male Platypus has a sharp, hollow, horny spur about 15 millimetres long on the inside of both hind leg ankles. This is connected to a venom gland which produces a very strong toxin. The spur can be used in defence against predators (the venom can cause excruciating pain in humans and is strong enough to kill a dog) but the fact that it is restricted to the male - and that the gland reaches its greatest development in the mating season - suggests that it is normally employed in aggressive encounters between males. The female of the species has no teats. Milk is produced in large glands under her skin which oozes out onto a patch of fur and the young Platypus sucks it up. The Platypus is one of only two mammals that lays eggs rather than bearing live young. The soft leathery eggs resemble those lain by reptiles."
"In conclusion, the platypus is really weird."
In combating the ideological threat of the platypus, many options were considered, most of them involving club bearing men named Zeke. However, the Zeke Commission was decomissioned following Zeke's unsavory comment to the Prime Minister's hat. Also, no one wants to dig a ditch for 10,000 platypuses with crushed skulls, not even Zeke. So, the ACCWATOLA simply decided to declare the platypus nonexistent by rule of the Government of Australia. At recent press conferences, the reactions were fairly consistent.
ACCWATOLA Spokesman: "The platypus does not exist."
Reporter: "What's that over there by the water, then?"
ACCWATOLA: "Nothing. It's not a platypus. There are no platypuses anywhere."
Reporter: "It looks like a platypus."
ACCWATOLA: "Well, its not!"
Reporter: "What is it then?"
ACCWATOLA: "Its a duck."
Reporter: "Funny looking duck."
ACCWATOLA: "Sir! That duck happens to be my mother!"
Reporter: "Are you drunk?"
ACCWATOLA: "No more questions!"
The platypus was unavailable for comment.
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